Its ten past midnight on a Monday morning and I find myself staring at this blank canvas in front of me. You see, I’ve been pondering what to write about next for a while now. I started this blog in some attempt to save the world, add a little kindness and a whole lot of positivity to a world that I felt so desperately needed it. Putting a positive spin on a situation is something I can do, and I can do it well but I also started this blog as a challenge to myself. This challenge comes in the form of being upfront about the negative in my life without fear or reservation. I promised myself that I’d be honest. I promised myself I’d be more upfront about the hurdles life has thrown my way. To do so I needed to tap into a part of myself that I chose to push to the side so many years ago; I found the hidden fear that I’d locked away. The scared girl that couldn’t confront the reality that was this new world. I found her and I used her. I used that fear and I turned it into something positive. I channelled all the negative emotions I wouldn’t allow myself to feel and I used them to better myself. I created Anna 2.0 and just forewarning you, she’s going to revolutionise the world.
Unfortunately, this revolution hit a bump in the road. I can’t even say I hit rock bottom because I sunk lower than that, what you may not know is that there is space below rock bottom. If you peel back the rubble you’ll find me there, lying among Donald Trump’s twitter feed and Katie Hopkins career and let me tell you, I definitely don’t belong down there with that tripe. Life isn’t supposed to be easy, that’d be awful boring, right? But sometimes I find myself wondering if it’s supposed to be this hard. It’s said that difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations but my road just sometimes seems too long, too treacherous. I found myself wishing for another life, another body, a functioning immune system and healthy intestines…what every twenty-one year old girl wants really.
So here I am, rock bottom. I’m a little stuck down here so I’m thinking of decorating, temporary decor of course but there’s nothing like a little colour on your rocky walls to lift your spirits. I’m thinking yellow…
Tips to survive rock bottom…
Acknowledge where you are and map your route out.
When faced with a treacherous journey it’s easy to get a little lost. So here’s my advice for when your internal sat-nav fails you. Stop. Put on the brakes and stop, take a breath and map your route out. It might take you a day or a week, it could take you a month and that’s okay. There’s no time limit on healing, there’s no right or wrong answer. Accepting that you can’t automatically pull yourself out of the hole you’ve found yourself in isn’t easy. Its human nature to just move on but in reality you’re doing yourself a huge injustice. You’ve been hurt, you’re feeling a little bruised and trampled on. Why should you just jump straight to your feet? I’m going to tell you something that most people don’t say out loud but I don’t see any shame in it. You know who I feel sorry for? ME. I feel completely and utterly sorry for myself because I’m having a really awful time of it just now. I know I hit rock bottom, believe me, I felt it. That moment I hit bottom I felt it somewhere deep in my soul. And it hurt. It still hurts. But I know where I am and that’s okay because I have a plan. It took me months to map my route out but I’m figuring it out one landmark at a time. The first landmark to hit on my way up? Emotional healing. I have a new resilience that I didn’t have before and I’m nearly ready, I’m just collecting up all my belongings I brought down here with me.
Be gentle with yourself, you’re doing the best you can.
Sometimes you’ll have a bad day, a really truly awful day. I certainly have my fair share just now. Every time I have a bad day I feel so defeated, especially if its follows a particularly good day. I berate myself for not being strong enough to have two good days in a row. I question myself as to why. Why today? What happened that’s making your heart ache so badly? I did this over and over again until someone asked me why I do this to myself. Where does my expectation come from that I always have to be okay? The answer; myself. I pride myself on being a happy person. I mould my life around optimism and my undying love for a world that doesn’t always show its prettiest side. But I can always see it. So when my world became a little ugly I didn’t know how to cope so I doubled my efforts to find my positive. I cried because I couldn’t see it. I sobbed because I was exhausting myself. Realising I was allowed to struggle wasn’t easy. It really wasn’t but I got there. I acknowledged that right now my life is far from perfect, it’s really pretty hard. I’m scared and anxious for what my next step in treatment has to be but I’m also optimistic and grateful for the medical team I have been blessed with and the people in my life who never leave my side. Every day I am trying to find my happy medium and I’m getting there, slowly but surely I’m rebuilding my life and although it’s certainly no fairy-tale, I’m really pretty proud of it. So remember to give yourself a break from time to time, resilience and bravery is recognised in your ability to be upfront about both the positive and negative aspects of your life. Healing isn’t linear but it is possible.
There is no time limit on healing.
Every time I fall down my automatic reaction is to get straight back up, its human nature. But you see, sometimes it’s just not that simple. My life fell apart so I tried to fix it. I picked all my pieces up and I glued them back together, I created a whole new world ready for me to step into but before I could do it my pieces all fell apart again. Turns out I’ve been using cheap glue and right now, I don’t have the permanent kind. And that’s okay. Right now, it’s okay that my pieces won’t stay together. It’s okay that I can’t get up. Because I will. I know I will. I often get one foot off the ground and I’m a hopping citizen and then I fall down again but I’m trying. I’ve been down here for a while you see but that’s okay, that’s okay because nobody said you had to get over something within a specified time. My sister sent me a quote a few weeks ago and it wandered its way straight into my heart, it said;
“You will rebuild the house which is you and what a beautiful house it will be”
I’m rebuilding my house brick by brick, day by day. I don’t know when it’ll be finished, it could be months, it could be years but the process has begun. I’ve started rebuilding and after the year I’ve had, I was exceptionally proud of the first brick. I was motivated on the second. And by the ninth I was sure I had embodied Ru-Paul herself because give me a throne, I am the official queen of rock bottom.
So for now, although I will stand up again, I just can’t find my feet. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe right now it’s okay to simply roll over and look at the stars. The view really is pretty great.
“It’s okay if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get up you rise as the whole damn fire” ~ Colette Werden